Equal Care Work: There's Still (A Lot) to Do

Joy and intensive planning 

When couples become parents, the joy over this circumstance is usually very great. Many couples try to prepare as best as possible for the upcoming change, and therefore attending a childbirth preparation course, reading pregnancy guides, and intensive research regarding the right initial baby equipment is entirely a natural part of thorough preparation for many expectant parents on the journey to becoming parents.

New Roles and Old Patterns

As soon as the offspring arrives, new parents quickly realize that life as they knew it no longer exists. The changed daily routine, due to lack of sleep, less free time, and the great responsibility towards a little human being, poses a challenge. The family project takes its course, and not infrequently, conflicts at the couple level increase. This is because most couples pay too little attention to one aspect of the new life situation in their preparation for parenthood: the significance of our - long believed to be outdated - heteronormative role models. Even couples who believe they are leading an equal partnership are not unaffected by this. Our conditioning is largely subconscious and therefore particularly powerful.

Mothers between Mental Load and Their Own Needs 

So it is not surprising that many mothers, in particular, rush through their daily lives, constantly thinking about everything that still needs to be done for the family. Buy diapers, schedule a check-up, get children's clothes in the right size, etc. The daily to-do list is long; the mental load list is even longer. Adapting to the needs of a baby requires regularly postponing and setting aside one's own needs. Taking a shower, eating, or sleeping in peace are no longer taken for granted. Many mothers, therefore, go beyond their own limits every day. On one hand, because their daily life is suddenly largely externally controlled by a small being, and on the other hand, because they try to meet societal expectations regarding their roles as mothers and women.

Challenges and Opportunities for Fathers 

Fatherhood can also become a test of endurance for fathers, as they often see themselves in the role of the provider and feel the pressure to ensure the family's financial well-being. There can be a sense that the mother is naturally better equipped to care for the child. This impression is often particularly strong when the child is fully breastfed. Consequently, a division of roles often arises automatically, which persists even when the child is older and no longer breastfed. Apart from breastfeeding, any caregiving work can be equally learned by everyone. If mothers have taken on the majority of caregiving work for a longer period after birth, they may indeed be more experienced in certain aspects. However, this is merely a result of regular repetition. With appropriate practice, fathers can also easily acquire these skills.

Long-term Consequences of the Division of Roles 

However, in most cases, fathers devote themselves more to gainful employment in the first years after birth. They often even take the next step in career planning and thus move to a higher salary class - another reason why it is often the mothers who continue to handle the larger share of care work and frequently work part-time after returning to the workforce. For many families, this division of roles and tasks, both financially and practically, is the most obvious way to organize their family life. All too often, however, the consequences of this division are not thoroughly considered and can thus unconsciously lead to financial dependency, unequal impacts on retirement savings, recurring conflicts, and simmering dissatisfaction.

Care work as a social and private responsibility 

When we consider the significance that care work actually holds for all of us, we must recognize that we all rely on it. Especially at the beginning, but also at the end of our lives, during illness and disability, we particularly need the care and attention of others. This is what connects us in our humanity. It is not relevant what gender we are; care work is the foundation of all our existence. Those who perform it deserve not only appreciation and recognition but also financial compensation, because care work is work. The question is therefore, how do we want to deal with our - at least temporary - extreme need for care in childhood, old age, illness, or disability? It is a societal question, but also one we can ask ourselves in private. Especially when we become parents and from now on a little being needs us around the clock. Then it is about jointly deciding how gainful employment and care work can be fairly divided in the newly founded family and keeping the consequences of this decision in mind. Equally lived parenthood allows for a relationship at eye level, fosters a satisfying family life, and thus represents an important foundation for the happy growth of our children.

Author: Katharina Hoyer

famPLUS - Competent in Everyday Family Life